Halloween, where art thou, Halloween?

Halloween used to be my favorite holiday of the year. There are so many things to love about this wonderful holiday. For starters, Charlie Brown’s search for the Great Pumpkin is by far the best of all the Peanuts’ cartoon classics. And don’t even get me started on the costumes. 364 days of the year, they are white bed linens, but on Halloween, cut those linens up a bit (Read: Cut eyeholes) and you are suddenly transformed into a ghost. For added effect, it helps if you raise your arms like you’re about to grab onto something and go, “Woooooooooooooooooooooooooo.” Because, apparently, that is the sound that ghosts make. Speaking of ghosts – here is a fun little arts and crafts project:

MAKE YOUR OWN GHOST

You need:

A box of Kleenex (white is better as yellow will give you Jaundice ghosts)

And some yarn – white is also best but red or black will do.

A black marker

Take two pieces of Kleenex and bunch one up into a ball. Then take the other tissue and wrap it around the ball. Tie a string around the “neck” of the outer tissue. Voila – you are left with a faceless ghost. Use the marker to draw a face on your ghost. Alternatively, this can also be done with socks. I used to sleep with a sock-ghost. Can you guess his name? His name was Ghosty. No, seriously. Ghosty.

Anyway, let me continue with what I find so wonderful about Halloween. Besides all the fun sock and tissue paper ghosty-ghosts, there is candy! One day a year, we would run around from door to door and pillage these people of their candy. What’s funny, is I remember some of the more surly people having some of the best treats. In my eyes, these great treats redeemed these questionable individuals till the next Halloween.

And then, of course, there are the scary stories! My favorite was “The Beast with 5 Fingers” which was basically just a variation on the hand that goes around strangling people in their sleep. Still, in my 2nd grade mind, I thought it was the scariest thing EVER.

Pumpkin carving! Hello!! How cool is Pumpkin carving?? You get these gigantic orange edible orbs and cut faces into them. Then you get to stick candles in them. So fresh!

Ah… the joys of yester-year…

Let’s compare Halloween NOW to Halloween of my childhood, shall we?

Halloween Then:

Another opportunity to dress up like a ghost.

Halloween Now:

Another opportunity to dress as slutty as possible.

Halloween Then:

Scary stories about imaginary monsters.

Halloween Now:

Turn on the news – you can see real monsters, live at five!

Halloween Then:

Candy Corn

Halloween Now:

Baby Corn

Halloween Then:

Time to gorge on candy.

Halloween Now:

Time to binge drink (again)

Halloween Then:

Yummy baked cookies with pumpkin faces on them.

Halloween Now:

Poisoned cupcakes or muffins with pins in them.

Ok, Ok, enough. I paint a bleak picture of Halloween today. But the truth is, it’s NOT what it used to be. And where will I be on All Hallows Eve this year? Look for a figure in a white sheet with eye-holes cut out going WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. No, it’s not the KKK – it’s just Mozo.