MOZO'S MOANS:

I’m in the mood to complain, and who doesn't love a complainer? So, in a revival of my old high school column, I bring you some of the following moans:

- Hangovers – why? I mean, really… we do ENOUGH idiotic things to ourselves while being drunk, there is NO reason we need to feel awful after the fact. It’s like we have to pay double duty for our drunken transgressions- Once during and then again the morning after. THREE times if you consider RELIVING the idiotic things you did the night before WHILE you’re hung over…
- Unflattering photographs – why? Why is it that you can look at yourself in the mirror and appear COMPLETELY 100% normal-looking. But then, in a friend’s photograph – you’re sporting a double-chin that you didn’t know you had, and a look on your face like you just ate something incredibly bitter.
- Hangnails – I don’t know anyone that is immune to these annoying little shits.
- Right along with hangnails are paper cuts. I would rather be dismembered than get a paper cut. These suckers HURT!
- Stupid People – now, I don’t want to generalize here so I’m going to give you a VERY specific example of being bombed by a stupid person recently: I was finishing up that wonderful book Message In A Bottle, when this sitting next to me on the subway asked how I liked it. I told her I thought it was schmaltzy but alright. She proceeds to tell me the ending – SPOILING all I’d been working towards! Basically making my embarrassing efforts completely moot. BIATCH!
- Those dark Samsonite suitcases that take up residence under your eyes after consuming too much coffee.
- The SMELL on the downtown yellow-line platform at 34th Street. I mean, C’mon!!!
- Bank of America – I’m very mad at you right now. You have made it excessively difficult to access my online banking… For the longest time, all I had to do was enter my social and my password and I was in my own personal banking universe. NOW, I have to enter like 8,000 different numbers, letters, passwords, keywords, pincodes, take three steps forward, two steps back, rub my tummy while patting my head… and then, if I do all these things correctly, and in the right order, I get access to my bank account. Yeah yeah, I understand it’s for security reasons… but security schmecurity…